Grab a Towel, You're Next

The City That Care Forgot', care just remembered. Hurricane Katrina, muscled up on climate change and freak weather, plowed a fosse through New Orleans, Queen of the Mississippi. The eye of the storm barely missed downtown, and its cyclonic arms crushed the entire region to its bosom like a three-hundred-pound prostitute hitting a plate of fresh beignets. Storm surges blasted through the levees intended to keep the local waters from seeking their natural level, which is about ceiling fan height for most of the metropolitan area.

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A SPECK IN KATRINA’S EYE

Hard to fathom the chaos I’m seeing on my TV soggy but safely ensconced here at my Dad’s house in Milwaukee. A wrung out speck of comic detritus lucky to have dodged the wrath of Katrina’s Eye. And a mite sheepish. Always told anyone who bothered to listen I wanted to experience a Hurricane, but then, when the chance finally came, I hiked up my skirts and ran like a little school girl. And am extremely glad I did.

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Holy Carbohydrates

It is always a shock to discover that the universe as you know it is a tissue of lies. When I was a beardless youth, my Mom told me Jorma Kaukonen never smoked pot, so I shouldn't, either. How I reeled when informed some years later that not only did the nimble-fingered guitarrero of Jefferson Airplane smoke pot, he smoked it on two different occasions! So you can imagine the blow that fell when I discovered that my own brand of hope-tinted atheism (the gist of it is that although I don't believe in a God, that doesn't mean He shouldn't cut me some slack once in a while) was founded on nothing more than something crumbly that you shouldn't found things on, like sand. Gentle reader, be prepared: the Spaghetti Monster is coming. And He is coming from the sky.

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AND LET SLIP THE GODS OF WAR

You got to feel sorry for poor Pat Robertson. This guy has put his foot in his mouth so many times in the last week, he’s probably learned how to floss with his shoelaces. First, he goes on his television show- “The 700 Club,” and calls for the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. And isn’t it refreshing that somebody at last is speaking the truth about our foreign policy? This could be the start of a whole new trend. Next thing you know President Bush will show up at a VFW rally and talk about how that punk Putin is just itching to be iced.

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ARMSTRONG BIKES WITH PRESIDENT OVER SHEEHAN GRAVE

Crawford, Texas - Celebrity bike champ Lance Armstrong joined President George W. Bush this weekend at the Crawford Ranch to celebrate the thirtieth day of the President's vigil against Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in action in Iraq.

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GWAT

Blood, death, war. New! More! Free! Now with extra SEX! They laughed when I sat down to rule the world, but when I started to play, more smiles in every mile! It's a long road to Tipperary: how many roads must a man walk down, before he walks a mile in your shoes?

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CINDY SHEEHAN- PEACE MOM

Q. So who exactly is this Peace Mom woman anyway?

A. Cindy Sheehan is a 48 year old from Vacaville, California, who, in response to losing her son Casey in Iraq is selfishly attempting to horde the honor of being a gold star mother all to herself.

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