Q. What is swine flu?
A. A respiratory disease caused by a type A influenza virus that has mutated into H1N1, and is currently terrorizing the globe. Don’t you read the papers?

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I hate Earth Day. I’m serious. It makes my head hurt. Pours buckets full of tiredness into my soul. 40 years of watching it slowly transform from a vibrant subversive movement to an ineffectual Hallmark holiday has sucked all the energy out of me. We’re approaching President’s Day here in terms of vapid commercialization.

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It’s bad enough Obama has to juggle two wars while scrubbing the floor of the White House trying to clean up the domestic mess left by the previous tenant, but as soon as he looks out the door, what does he see… pirates. That’s right. Pirates.

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The excitement is palpable. G-20 Mania has swept the country like blue mold on dead fruit in the crisper bin of an abandoned refrigerator. Especially amongst the 18 Americans aware that the G-20 is a meeting of the leaders of the world’s top economic nations and not a Bingo call.

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Now that Obama has been in the White House awhile, I asked my friend Drew, a lifelong GOP contributor, to lunch at a seafood restaurant near his K Street office to see how he was managing to get along.

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Oh for crum’s sake. Settle down people. You’re fixated. You’ve inflated this whole steroids thing into a national obsession. Suddenly, steroids are the root of all evil. An Al Qaeda trick designed to devastate Democracy from within. No. That’s not it. It’s athletes trying to cover Father Time’s spread. The average Major League Baseball career is 5.6 years long. If you’re going to make it, better start today. And be willing to do whatever it takes. Especially after Marvin Bernard and Fernando Tatis start going long.

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Excuse me, but I got a couple of questions. What’s the damn deal? The hell happened? Am I missing something? I mean, come on, Barack Obama assumed office almost two entire complete whole months ago and I look in the paper and guess what? Equivalence. The war in Iraq…  rages on; Global warming… continuing hotness.

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