An in Depth Interview with Senator Cain, Pastor Haggai, and Senator Lieaman

[Note: This interview never aired at Faux News. Mr. Hannity refused to let it go on the air; in fact, he is recovering at this time in a sanitarium in an undisclosed location.]

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This campaign has been tough on everybody, but particularly on members of the media who find themselves stymied when trying to navigate this year's historic candidacy minefield. And since all three candidates have proven to be a bit, shall we say, delicate, a hastily compiled handy reference guide about how to cover the most exciting political sensations of this or indeed, many a generation, is in order.

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WARREN BUFFET. World’s richest man can’t hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.

JAMES EARL JONES. The most trusted voice in show business.

DAN QUAYLE. Knows the drill.

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Brazenly defying logic, momentum, expectations, poll numbers, gravity, and the old wives' advice not to venture into the water within an hour of eating, Hillary Clinton unaccountably still lives. She's like one of those zombies in a John Carpenter movie that you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail studded two by four dipped in some rare poisonous South American toad secretion.

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Ralph Nader. Officially threw his hat in the ring for president. Again. His fourth attempt. Shouldn’t three strikes apply here?

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Shut up. Please shut up. No. Really. Shut up. Shut Up. Shut up. I know you think I’m kidding here, but I’m not. Pretty please. Shut the hell up. Honest to god, it’s not funny anymore. Would you two kindly have the simple common human decency to close your pie holes and be quiet for a half of a minute? Is that too much to ask? The hell is wrong with you people anyway? The horse is dead. He’s starting to smell. Put the bats down.

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Just when you thought the Republican primary was all over but the shouting, along comes The New York Times with a potential bombshell about possible indiscretions that may or may not have involved John McCain and a woman who does not necessarily look unlike his wife.

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