THE GEORGE W BUSH 2006 STATE OF THE UNION DRINKING GAME

What you need:

•       A group of four taxpayers: including 1 white guy wearing a Suit. 2 people wearing jeans, one in a Work Shirt, the other in a Dark Shirt, and 1 person wearing Rags. Stitched together wash cloths are nice. Four are grouped around cocktail table within sight of television. Newspapers on floor in front of television.

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THAT MYTHICAL ETHICAL HIGH GROUND

In an effort to regain the ethical high ground in Washington DC, which admittedly is lower than a parasite on the belly of a flounder on the floor of the Marianas Trench in the Pacific Ocean, Republican Party leaders announced a series of lobbying reforms to counteract the publicity they’ve received due to the Jack Abramoff expose (scandal is such an ugly word.)

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This Is CNN.

We now return to the Supreme Court Justice Confirmation Hearings live from the Senate. While we were away, the Judge’s wife was placed on a stretcher and whisked out of the Committee room after bursting into tears during the questioning of her husband. She will also be tested for rabies after accidentally brushing the arm of Democratic Senator Joe Biden. The Republican Chairman of the Judicial Committee is about to reconvene the proceedings by asking a question of Justice Samuel Alito.

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THE TEST

New York -- Today and tomorrow every 8-year-old in the state of New York will take a test. It's part of George Bush's No Child Left Behind program. The losers will be left behind to repeat the third grade.

Try it yourself. This is from the state's actual practice test. Ready, class?

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06 PREDICTIONS

It is the beginning of the new year, and typically the time for we average ink stained wretches to trot out the tried but true ye olde predictions piece. The wretches that don’t resort to trotting out the trite but true ye olde resolutions piece that is. Being the average traditionalist wretch with great respect for heritage that I am, (especially lacking any other fertile ideas whatsoever,) I am proud to honor this revered journalistic practice. Hence, I got your predictions for the new year right here. Resolutions will show up the next time I get stuck for other fresh and bright ideas. In other words, soon. Happy 2006 everybody.

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A Hapless New Year

It is once again time to look back on the year past and make our plans for the year to come, that bittersweet time after the festivities of the midwinter holidays when Jesus and Santa Claus duke it out for supremacy and Jews accidentally set fire to the dining room curtains, when black people must decide whether to observe Kwanzaa, which might be a silly, pointless holiday, but at least it pisses off the old white people

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I'm Happy, You're Happy

Why do people need to kill each other to be happy? Everybody in the world is trying to kill everybody else. Especially in America. America must be filled with happy people, right? They are doing so much killing around the world they must be delirious. Add to this that they are also killing their own. 

 

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