THE FIRST GREEN PRESIDENT

NBC’s Brian WIlliams asked George Bush if the federal government’s faltering response to Hurricane Katrina was due to racial indifference and for a half a second you could hear almost Dubya’s vertebrae fuse together as he perceptibly grew about a quarter of a millimeter and his voice trembled and he snarled with a noticeable lack of tele prompting, “You can call me anything you want, but do not call me a racist.”

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Wage This!

Waging war is when you send your kids to kill someone else's babies. It is nothing more noble than that, and all the good reasons in the world won't differentiate your war from Hitler's, or Napoleon's, or Genghis Khan's, or Caesar's, or any of the thousands of other little excursions into bowel spilling that humankind has indulged in with monotonous regularity over the last few millennia. The stated reason for going to war is always the same; as the prophet Orwell said, "Every war when it comes, or before it comes, is represented not as a war but as an act of self-defense against a homicidal maniac."

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White House Report Card

The bipartisan 9/11 Commission released a report card on the administration’s efforts in the wake of the 9/11 attacks and to say the news wasn’t good is like saying abandoned mine fields make for lousy hot air balloon staging grounds. George Bush ought to thank his lucky stars he doesn’t have to take this report card home to Poppy and Babs, because I’m betting he’d be grounded for at least a semester and have the keys to his Porsche 944 turned over to Jeb. Needless to say this is not the kind of card that greases the skids for entrance into Yale but that never bothered a Bush.

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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT PRESIDENT BUSH’S PLAN FOR VICTORY.

Q. President Bush recently announced his “PLAN FOR VICTORY.” What does this plan entail?
A. Its two pronged. There is a short term plan and a long term plan.

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GIVING THANKS

Aaah. Thanksgiving.The very bestest holiday of them all. Food, family, football: three of the four Fs. Not to mention 4 story tall helium balloons on rope tethers. What a day. 40 foot cartoon characters, tryptophane overdosing, lime Jello with carrot shreds AND a chance to see the Dallas Cowboys lose? Where’s the bad? The good news is that right now its not that difficult to come up with a list of what to be thankful for.

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THE SEQUEL

Oh no you did ’ent. Don’t you tell me that you did. Not again. Because only a gutless swine would trot out that weak tired line of crap. Again. Dividing America. Again. You didn’t really say it, did you? That anyone who criticizes you is endangering the troops? Not again! Can I just ask, where the hell do you get the cajones, after everything we’ve gone through the last three years, to let that pathetic argument oooze out of your pie hole one more time? Must come from your mother’s side. Please tell me I’m wrong.

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Get Out Your Paperclips

One more time: a US dollar is about six inches long, which I'm told is slightly high side of average. The moon, that large round thing in the night sky with no advertising on it, is roughly 238,000 miles from the earth, or 1,256,640,000 feet; according to today's exchange rate, that would be 2,513,280,000 dollars laid end-to-end. Let us be clear about how many dollars that is, because I know you just skipped over the numerals and fully intend to proceed with "a lot" as your benchmark, which won't work. 2,513,280,000 is just over two-and-a-half billion.

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