Tanks for the Memories

There's some terrible news, folks. George W. Bush is going down. Some of you, remembering a couple of pungent appellations I have applied to this horrible little Untermensch and his vampire wet-nurses, might be surprised to hear I'm not delighted about the downturn of his fortune. His poll numbers are breaking records downward. Are not the chickens coming home to roost? Is not schadenfreude the finest of emotions? Let us review just the very tippy top coat of guano raining down on this White House

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CONTRACT ON AMERICA 2.1

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An Epistle on Religion

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He Looks Like OJ...or Maybe Keanu

Dear Sindy,

So as you know I get my dialysis treatments in Pakistan because it's like so much cheaper and Daddy says there's no way he's paying MSRP not even for his little angel, plus Mummy can come with me and go shopping for uncut emeralds and handicrafts and whatnot, but the whole thing is such a drag because this place is so third world, I mean not even second place, but anyway I'm at this clinic which is like such a rest room I can't even believe it with these old wire fans in the windows and no AC and actual typewriters that go clack clack clack I mean not even Mac Classic, these people are stone age, how did they get dialysis machines, right?

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Deep Thoughts from a Shallow Man

Part, the First

Religion is when you owe a real apology to an imaginary person. About the only positive thing you can say for religion is gets the best out of architects. To be fair, religion is the midwife of culture: without at least one mid-level god attendant upon the labor there's a high probability the infant society will be stillborn, or worse, end up like Finland. A good, stout religion with a whiff of brimstone at the back end also serves to keep the proceedings in order thereafter: if the law doesn't catch up to a malefactor in this life, it will certainly do so in the next.

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Mediocre, Where is Thy Sting?

One thing you can say for mediocrity, lots of people excel at it. The same cannot be said for public service, which has become an oxymoron like social security or spotted owl (you don't see them around any more, do you). Lately I goggle (I am agog as we speak) at the failure rate of everything done on the public dime in this country. This is exactly what I am supposed to do. You see? Government doesn't work, just like they said! Privatize everything! But privatization is the root of the problem. We privatized the presidency, and look where that got us. Even God has decided to give us a right pantsing.

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PUT THE HAMMER DOWN.

The old adage is, any halfway decent prosecutor can convince a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich. And that old saw may just be true because this week a grand jury in Travis County, Texas indicted a hammer. Not just any hammer but “The Hammer.” House Majority leader Tom DeLay was indicted on a single count of criminal conspiracy and multiple counts of “cranky old man” and “doesn’t work well with others.” To say he’s not happy now is like saying Barium enemas are not highlighted on many Resort Spa menus. And ironically enough, when I speak of a Barium enema I think of Tom DeLay.

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