ARMSTRONG BIKES WITH PRESIDENT OVER SHEEHAN GRAVE

Crawford, Texas - Celebrity bike champ Lance Armstrong joined President George W. Bush this weekend at the Crawford Ranch to celebrate the thirtieth day of the President's vigil against Cindy Sheehan, the mother of a soldier killed in action in Iraq.

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GWAT

Blood, death, war. New! More! Free! Now with extra SEX! They laughed when I sat down to rule the world, but when I started to play, more smiles in every mile! It's a long road to Tipperary: how many roads must a man walk down, before he walks a mile in your shoes?

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CINDY SHEEHAN- PEACE MOM

Q. So who exactly is this Peace Mom woman anyway?

A. Cindy Sheehan is a 48 year old from Vacaville, California, who, in response to losing her son Casey in Iraq is selfishly attempting to horde the honor of being a gold star mother all to herself.

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When Being American Was Fun

I'm ready to drop out. Had enough. When I was a mere babe mewling and barfing in my nurse's arms, the Vietnam war was just getting good. My old man got a deferment on account of my arrival on the scene. This was the last favor I ever did him. When I was small, hippies were a going concern in my native Granite State: there were long-haired freaks and Jesoids and stoners building octagonal cabins out of barn timber and communing in old Victorian farmhouses, growing thin on unsalted lentil-rich slops and bathtub yogurt and inferior marijuana. Dad was a square, Mom wore India print dashikis. Their friends were poets and artists and ne'er-do-well types generally, with armpits that smelled like the holds of slave ships.

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INTELLIGENT IS AS INTELLIGENCE DOESN’T

Taking valuable time from clearing brush on what apparently is the most brush infested ranch in the country, President Bush spoke to members of the press encouraging our country’s school districts to incorporate both sides of the debate regarding the development of humanity into their teaching plans: evolution, the theory that man descended from an infinite number of apes typing on an infinite number of typewriters, and Intelligent Design, the idea that an unseen force (not necessarily god- but not ungodlike either) nudged our genes with big giant invisible fingers to the point where no child is left behind. Or something like that.

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Get Your Own Hate Mail!

Greetings, moist and tender reader. This week, we have a special treat JUST FOR YOU. Mr. Tripp is far too busy to write his own essay this week, so this is YOUR CHANCE to write one just like his! You've said it a million times: you could write one of those in your sleep. You could write it better. You could teach your grandmother to suck eggs. Now, with this simple kit, you can write your own humorous petite-feuille and prove to the world that you're just as amusing as Mr. Tripp, as are most rocks.

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Responding to the American public’s mounting suspicion that the White House is either lying to us about the Iraqi War going according to plan, or the plan really really sucks…the Administration has decided the source of the problem is not their doomed policy but rather the slogan they are using to sell it. So “the war on terrorism,” has officially been replaced with “the struggle against violent extremism.” Which clears things up like a double hulled oil tanker spill in a 9 inch kiddie wading pool.

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