Settle down people. For crum's sake, you're going to burst a collective blood vessel here and end up squirting self- righteous juice all over your nice slacks. All this garment staining simply because Barack Obama said his opponent's call for change was similar to applying lipstick to a pig.

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THE RIVERBOAT GAMBLER.

He's either a genius or an idiot. Brilliant or crazy. Political mastermind or stone crazed loon. Destined to go down as a real life visionary or the Banana Daiquiri Boy with attention deficit disorder who took down Karl Rove's entire Republican machine with one swell foop.

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CLAIR HUXTABLE SMOTHERS ANGELA DAVIS IN HER SLEEP.

It was strange watching the Democrats spend most of their initial prime time Convention coverage not by talking about the historic feat of nominating the first black man for the Presidency of the United States but rather focused on the wonderful wacky world of women.

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Now that the Olympic flame has been doused by the tears of a thousand jade blossoms, its time for America's most athletically dexterous mutants to stash their red white and blue togs and head home. And the national spotlight turns to the political conventions featuring our most ethically dexterous mutants. We do cherish our little freak shows.

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The final results are in on this historic November day.  Despite the hundreds of millions of dollars he raised, Barack Obama has lost the 2008 presidential election.  American voters have boldly spoken truth to arrogance.  Turned out that all those pre-election opinion polls that showed Obama's inability to get over 50 percent support were prescient. 

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Not content to be viewed as your ordinary run- of- the mill hypocritical oaf, former Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards compounded his monumental weaseldom by trying to sneak an overdue admission of serial monogamy infractions under the cloak of the Beijing Olympics.

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By now, if you are not in the early stages of tertiary overdose from cloyingly mawkish Up Close and Personal previews emanating out of that quadrennial athletic meet going down in Beijing, you should consider yourself as lucky as a John McCain handler at a canceled photo op in a grocery store. As they say up in Maine, "the sap is running." I swear that if I hear the word "dream" uttered one more time, somebody at NBC is going to have chopsticks sticking out of parts of their body that chopsticks don't normally stick out of.

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