Poor Hillary. Everybody wants her to quit. Nancy Pelosi wants her to quit. Michelle Obama wants her to quit. Wouldn’t be surprised to hear Fidel Castro thinks she’s been hanging on too long. Even pundits who don’t really want her to quit are calling for her to quit because the next vote isn’t for three weeks and they’re caught in the Primary Dead Zone Vortex and like an excited terrier piddling in the stairwell at the sound of the key in the door, just can’t help themselves.

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Oh man, it’s a good thing I’m not a politician. For me. For you. For the planet Jupiter. Not just because I’d expend all my political capital attempting to get rid of that primitive custom known as bartime. And then try to roll back the scourge of those silly speed limit restrictions.

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An in Depth Interview with Senator Cain, Pastor Haggai, and Senator Lieaman

[Note: This interview never aired at Faux News. Mr. Hannity refused to let it go on the air; in fact, he is recovering at this time in a sanitarium in an undisclosed location.]

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This campaign has been tough on everybody, but particularly on members of the media who find themselves stymied when trying to navigate this year's historic candidacy minefield. And since all three candidates have proven to be a bit, shall we say, delicate, a hastily compiled handy reference guide about how to cover the most exciting political sensations of this or indeed, many a generation, is in order.

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WARREN BUFFET. World’s richest man can’t hurt, in case the campaign needs a loan. Or the country.

JAMES EARL JONES. The most trusted voice in show business.

DAN QUAYLE. Knows the drill.

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Brazenly defying logic, momentum, expectations, poll numbers, gravity, and the old wives' advice not to venture into the water within an hour of eating, Hillary Clinton unaccountably still lives. She's like one of those zombies in a John Carpenter movie that you shoot and stab and knock upside the head with a nail studded two by four dipped in some rare poisonous South American toad secretion.

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Ralph Nader. Officially threw his hat in the ring for president. Again. His fourth attempt. Shouldn’t three strikes apply here?

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