How To Get To Guantanamo
 
This helpful link comes from my friend Christian Hope (that is his real name):

"TRAVEL TIPS:

If you are sitting next to someone who's irritating you on a plane or train, try the following fun exercise to see if they are paying attention;

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Boot it.
4. Make sure the person who won't leave you alone can
see the screen.
5. Open your email client to this message.
6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the
sky.
7. Then hit this link: http://tinyurl.com/e8efm"

This is the kind of thing that is at once funny, like lite-brite sculptures on public buildings, and absolutely certain to get you thrown in the stripey hole forever-- also like lite-brite sculptures on public buildings.

At this point the reason I'm still living in the United States is because I'm embarrassed to go anywhere else.

We have turned into a nation of terrified pussies, freaking out at every opportunity over the terror of terrorism, leaving the terrorists with bugger all to do.

O'Hare airport, Jet Blue:

Stand in line to check in for flight and surrender any bag larger than a pencil case. At automatic check-in kiosk, live human tells you to go down to that other line to actually hand over bag to be checked. Same live human then returns to the line and continues checking in bags of people ahead of you in line. Supervisor argues with only other available bag-checker for duration of stay in this line.

Proceed immediately to different line a few yards away, where checked bag (still not out of your possession) is handed to TSA security asshole. TSA asshole checks boarding pass. He makes great show of how heavy bag is, then runs it into machine resembling atom splitter. You are told to stop standing around, the bag is now in possession of airline.

Wander around and discover what appeared to be spectators at funeral of popular president is actually line to security check. Get in line at end and watch Eastern European travelers sneak into line well ahead. Pray for their flights to crash, unless on same plane as you.

Hour later, pass a variety of signboards explaining procedure. Ignore, like everybody else. TSA asshole checks boarding pass.

Twenty minutes later, reach security check, which is, after several years, still temporary, understaffed, and none of the tables are the same heights so nothing slides along conveniently. Except here there are no tables. TSA assholes are angry, overworked, suspicious of anybody that would desire to travel, and deeply retarded.

Three bins required, if woman in front of you ever surrenders one of them (she's loading her stuff in the bin on top of the stack of bins, because there is no table). Irrational hatred of this woman. Clearly she also didn't read the instructions, but she should have. TSA asshole checks boarding pass.

Shoes off, place in first bin. Belt out of pants. Fondly remember time in Atlanta airport when fat man took belt off and pants fell down. Belt with shoes. Cell phone in shoe. Can't get loose change out of pocket because also holding carry-on bag, laptop gripped under chin. Laptop in second bin, carry-on bag in third bin, watch as afterthought goes with carry-on. Remove jacket when TSA asshole decides it's not the kind of thing that a normal person would attempt to get through the human scanning device. Jacket on laptop, falls out of bin, goes through machine and falls out on other side. Forgot boarding pass! In jacket. TSA asshole angrily hands jacket back. Get boarding pass, jacket must go back through machine on top of next person's stuff.

TSA asshole checks boarding pass. Step with boarding pass through human scanning device. Buzzer sounds. Struggle to get all loose change out of pocket. Buzz again. Fillings? Ah! Knee brace has wire stays inside. Remove knee brace, place in yet another bin. Machine buzzes again, wand examination begins.

TSA A. Explains how wand process will proceed, lengthy memorized speech designed to cut off all objections based on reasonable search and seizure. Wand, wand, wand. Your stuff in the bins has been available to about 30 passengers by this time, all piled at the end of the only table in the entire security area. Luckily other 30 passengers also undergoing intense scrutiny so chances of theft or bomb-planting very slim.

At last! Stuff watch in pocket, shoes on floor, step on cell phone, remove from shoe, scuff shoes on, drape belt around neck. Laptop back in carry-on, find jacket, carry entire mass over to trash bin near security and reassemble costume, bags, etc. Lose boarding pass.

Now go to Fox News sports bar and see cable feed of drumbeats for war on Iran. Buy beer to enrich Rupert Murdoch. Realize later than thought (check watch still in pocket) and run to gate. Flight delayed 4 hours.

We are not a nation of heroes, that's for goddamn sure. But how about those Democrats? They can't even get a non-binding resolution going. How about a binding one? Hell, with this kind of support from our elected leaders, we could be out of Iraq way before you can get through an airport security line.

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