An in Depth Interview with Senator Cain, Pastor Haggai, and Senator Lieaman

Cain: That’s utter nonsense as anyone who knows me can assure you. I haven’t any knowledge about who is who in the evangelical churches. But I have got an aid, Senator Lieaman here, who does know about these things. He told me how well received Pastor Haggai is among the evangelicals and the Zionist communities in Israel, and, I might point out, has millions of followers who lean on his every word. Now that can’t be a bad person to associate with, wouldn’t you agree?

Hannity: So it would appear that you have changed your mind about these fervent people that express a desire to follow God’s word to exterminate the infidels, as you did in 2000 when you condemned them, particularly Rev. Falswell?

Cain: Well, you can’t expect a person to remain static, can you? I may be old, but I’m still growing. I know a lot now that I didn’t get back then. Most importantly, don’t  f—k with the system. If you’re goin to win, ride the right horse. I’m not totally dumb you know.

Lieaman: I’m sorry to intrude here, Mr. Hannity, but I think I should interject something here. The Senator has only recently found Pastor Haggai as he has only recently found Jesus. That’s a blessing for the people of America because it makes him eligible to be the Republican candidate for President. But it also means that he has little formal knowledge of what it means to be an evangelical, a Zionist evangelical in particular. And that’s important because if that were not the case he would not be acceptable to the neo-cons and the Zionists that run Israel, both essential if one wants to be President. So please excuse the Senator’s reference to riding the right horse.

Hannity: Thank you, Senator Lieaman, it’s refreshing to see such loyalty from a brother Senator and one so intimately familiar with what makes for success in America. But let me turn to you, Pastor Haggai. You’ve become a very visible personage in 2008, an important one I might add. To what do you attribute that?

Haggai: It’s good of you to note just how important I have become, Mr. Hannity. I attribute my success, of course, to God Almighty-‘a  who has a signal mission for me to perform, a mission that goes back to 520 BC, I might add-‘a, when I first appeared on behalf of the Lord-‘a.

Hannity: Are you saying that you lived in 520 BC?

Haggai: Why does that surprise you, Mr. Hannity? God works wonders all the time. I did then what I’m commanded by God to do now, rebuild the temple so Christ can return-‘a  to the earth for the days of Armageddon-‘a. I predicted that for these many years; the last days are upon us ‘a; the horses of the Apocalypse will burst from their seals-‘a and the days of starvation and death will come in our life time.

Hannity: But what has that got to do with our election of a President? Why would Senator Cain seek you out?

Haggai: How can you ask such a question, Sir? What is the purpose of America in God’s plan, I ask you? To save the world-‘a, that’s what. That’s its mission from God and it was so from the day the Puritans set foot in this new Zion. But the time was not right till now-‘a.

Hannity: What makes them right now?

Haggai: The founding of Israel, Sir. Until that sacred event occurred, the second coming could not happen. I’m responsible for making the United States, nay the whole world-‘a  understand that fact. God needs help to ensure that His plan will take place. With the President working on our behalf, we can ensure that all infidels-‘a, all Muslims-‘a, are defeated as foretold in the Book of Revelation. God can’t do that work; the righteous must do it for Him.

Hannity: But aren’t there Christians that would find that repugnant? Would Jesus kill?

Haggai: My dear Sir, It’s no longer Jesus in control-‘a, It’s God Almighty; it’s His word in Revelation. Halleluiah! Jesus is just the instrument. All those pussy-footed liberation theology Christians will find themselves worshipping Satan in Hell. Only the blessed will be raptured and live to see the slaughter at Megiddo. Say Amen! Everyone else, including the Jews that brought Israel into existence are but tools to that end.

Lieaman: Now, Reverend, remember we agreed not to talk about these matters in such detail because the American people are not very good at grasping the metaphorical language of the Bible. Besides, we don’t want to anger the Rabbis in Israel by setting Christian teachings against the Torah. That would not help the Senator’s candidacy would it?

Haggai: Senator, why do you think God gave him the name of Cain? He’s perfectly willing to sacrifice his brothers to gain his end-‘a. God knows that; Cain’s hand         picked before the beginning of time. Halleluiah! He was sent to me because God directed him to me. I am leading God’s army to fulfill His word-‘a. Don’t question the Almighty, Sir.