Johnnie Edwards: His demons won the 'Happily Ever After' story!

Once upon a time in a kingdom of beautiful magnolia trees and big black bears  lived a little boy named Johnnie, who was the prettiest boy in town.

Little Johnnie could also talk with flowery words and sweet care for the poor people who lived in the woods and in the alleys in his kingdom. But first he had to grow up.

Little Johnnie loved his mommy and daddy who worked in the mill down the street.  Grandma and grandpa had also worked there, but Granny now would take care of Johnnie as he grew up into an even prettier big boy.

All the girls liked Johnnie because he was so pretty and spoke sweetness and flowers.  But when it was time to marry, he chose little Elizabeth, who also was very smart and just kind of pretty. But she loved him very much, and he saw that she would be a good helpmate later on when he went on to serve his people.

Little Johnnie and Elizabeth soon had two children of their own.  They were also beautiful children, and Johnnie and Elizabeth loved them very much.  Because Johnnie was such a good speaker and could win zillions of pence from bad people who made stuff that sometimes killed little children, he and Elizabeth also made a whole big lot of pence themselves, and gave their children many nice things, including a car for their only son.

One night when little Wade was driving his new shiny car, a big wind blew him off the road, and he died.   Johnnie and Elizabeth cried for days, and to this day where little Wade is buried an angel monument sits and wails beside him on behalf of his mommy and daddy Johnnie.

Now Elizabeth and  Johnnie had just one child left, and by now Elizabeth was drawing near to old age. But behold! An angel of the Lord came down from heaven and gave Elizabeth two magic pills that would help her have more children.  And lo and behold, before a mule could kick over the ass, she and Johnnie had two more beautiful children, and the family, although still sad that Wade was now in Heaven, was once more able to increase and multiply and fill the rooms of the Johnnie Castle.

Now that Johnnie's family was once more complete,  he wished to someday become King of the Kingdom. Since he was not from a family of kings, he knew he would have to try very hard, and wish upon a star every night.. He worked hard and also worked hard to comb his hair just right. He smiled real nice, too. People in his small kingdom of Carolina thought he would speak well for them when they chose him to speak for them in the Big Kingdom City of Washington.

In the Big Kingdom, Johnnie felt very special. He spoke for his people for a couple years, and then decided that it was time for him to be King and Elizabeth to be Queen. They tried very hard for two years, and Johnnie came in second for his side....not good enough to be King, but he knew that if he smiled hard  enough and wished every night on a star and combed his hair just right, he could win next time.

But once again, demons came up from the dungeon  under Johnny's castle, the demon that caused Wade to be killed by a mighty wind now caused Elizabeth to get very ill.  She was very sad and Johnny was very sad, and their three children were very sad.  Elizabeth's hair fell out.  The Witch of the South said she got sick because the magic pills she took to become young to bear children in her otherwise old age made her become sick, and would one day also take her life.  But that wouldn't be so bad.  After all, she did bring two more beautiful children into the world to make up for the one she lost.

Johnnie, all of a sudden felt very sad. His Elizabeth was sick. She did not look even a little bit pretty anymore. She threw up a lot and cried a lot. And sometimes, he even had to wash dishes, and sometimes his hair got messed up. What could Johnnie do to find relief from his sadness and feel handsome and well, sexy, once more?

One day a beautiful somewhat younger princess came to talk to Johnnie, and she told him she would like to take pictures of him because he too was so pretty, and he spoke in flowery words... and he also combed his hair good, too.

Johnny looked at the somewhat younger princess and thought, "Gee, wonder what she's like in bed?  I will let her take my picture, and then I will ask her to get in bed with me.  Elizabeth is sick and she's got the kids.  I have no one, and I am sad.  This princess will make me very happy."

So he did do everything he said he would do. He had his picture taken by the somewhat younger princess, and he spoke flowery words, and he at last combed his hair just right. She showed him his moving pictures, and they were oh, so happy.  Then they fell into one another's arms, and... the rest is censored, but you get the general idea.),

Little did Johnnie know that the demons from his castle's dungeon were once more at work. Soon the somewhat younger princess made life very unhappy for Johnnie. If he didn't give her lots of money, she was going to tell the WHOLE story (even the censored part) to Elizabeth. 

"Oh no, let me tell my wonderful wife myself," he begged the somewhat younger princess. "I can tell her in my flowery way, and she will forgive me. We will promise one another to never tell anyone else, and then I can be King and she can be my Queen; She will get better, and she will grow her hair back to be about as pretty as mine.  Can I give you something extra for the pictures you gave me, and we can call it quits?  I REALLY do love my wife. I just used you."

The somewhat younger princess understood, because she was one of those empty headed blonds so many people talk about. She took the extra cash  and left with sweet memories in her otherwise empty head.

After Elizabeth hit Johnnie over the head a few times, locked him in the dungeon for a month of Sundays, she let him out, forgave him and they started on their way to tell the kingdom that they wanted to be their King and Queen. They also wanted to live happily ever after.  But they did not tell their deep dark secret.

Well, Johnnie, once more, didn't convince the people that he and Elizabeth would be a good King and Queen. Some black dude and loud-mouth  woman (who used to be Queen  to another two-timing King) were more to the people's liking. But they told Johnnie he could play with  them in their castle if  they won. So that was that!

Then out of nowhere, the demons attacked sweet Johnnie one more time. He just couldn't get the somewhat younger princess who took his pictures out of his mind.  So one night  in the wee hours he took wee steps into her inn, where she had a baby, a sweet cuddly baby! Would he like to hold it?" Maybe it could be half yours," she announced.

And then, as if by magic, Johnnie was being chased by other mean people who were asking him mean questions, so mean that he had to hide in the stinking bathroom til they went away.  And a witness saw  him!  He would take no hush money.  Oh, oo...now Elizabeth would be really pissed (Sorry, kids, that's the cleanest I could make it.)

And she was!  And so were Johnnie's friends, and so were the artisans who wrote good things about Johnnie. He was a dead duck, they all said.

And that is the story about the little boy who grew up in a mill town in the small Kingdom of  Carolina. Yes, Elizabeth is still with Johnnie, and she is still pounding that hair flat on his head. The demons are laughing their heads off in the dungeon, and Johnnie wonders what he can do now to make the people of the kingdom once more love him.

He cries every night in bed.  He still wishes on the star at night and swears he's going to clean out that dungeon as soon as he can stop looking at his picture book of all those wonderful times when he was loved, when he was prettier, when he had Wade to smile at, and when he had good hair days.

Some folks just don't live happily after after... but Johnnie was going to try...tomorrow!

Rachael Bliss, after working for 10 years in creative services and community affairs at a local broadcasting station, moved into the nonprofit world with her first job with the Southern Poverty Law Center in Montgomery, AL. From there she advocated for the hungry, children and the environment as an organizer and director. Articles by Rachael Bliss at MWC News http://mwcnews.net/RachaelBliss

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