OSCARS’ JON STEWART & PNG
by Richard Oxman

“Why isn’t Jon Stewart’s accumulation of a fortune considered in the same vein as the pulling in of big warbucks by buckaroos such as Blum (aka Dianne Feinstein’s Rich)?” — Hal Burton, my (real) neighbor(‘s name)

Couldn’t advance my career by actually getting the Top Ten below on Letterman’s show. In fact, didn’t manage to even submit it to anyone. Too bad. Mmm…maybe not.

Top Ten Reasons Jon Stewart will flop as Oscar Host:

10. Letterman has already agreed to give him tips.

9. He’ll be “coming out” just prior to the show, and won’t be making any Brokeback jokes.

8. If a given joke doesn’t go over, he plans to immediately tell it again…differently.

7. His new crewcut is not likely to go over well.

6. He is insisting upon referring to the Oscar as the “Daily Oscar” and handing out a bag of Doritos to each winner.

5. The polka-dot tie with polka-dot wardrobe –in an effort to appeal to eastern Europeans– is doomed to fail.

4. Having his new political DVD on sale in the lobby is bound to create problems with the Eastwood crowd.

3. Everyone will see through his attempt to copy Billy Crystal’s walk.

2. Periodontal work so close to showtime can’t but hurt.

1. With Winfrey and Thurman not showing up this time around, his effort to reproduce Dave’s Oprah-Uma routine is guaranteed to fizzle.

Actually, the primary reason –excuse the expression, please!– is that he he won’t take us beyond easy nodding for shticks about how Cheney’s now guarding our ports personally.

On March 5th, Jon Stewart, of disappointing Doogal and Daily Show doggeral, will host the upcoming Academy Awards clunker…with no mention of what’s happening in PNG, I’m sure. Or elsewhere. Make that anywhere…on anything.

Though people are slated to laugh, there’ll be nothing to offend anyone who supports goarmy.com (advertised on his Comedy Central site). For this “most trusted name in fake news” is simply taking another step in Career Building, a process embraced as much as the concept that it’s okay to be “payin’ the bills” with U.S. Army support…by the vast majority of Oscar nominees, celebrities and well-informed, left-leaning fans, and most others in Kapitalist Amerikkka.

Martha Stewart, Jon Stewart…there’s no diff. I trust that few will be too miffed if the precedent-setting Security precautions at the Oscars fail. Big Productions are a lock.

But what’s this all got to do with Papua New Guinea?

Turns out the news out of Port Moresby is that the total annihilation of their gorgeous rainforest ranges is virtually assured within the next ten years. Quite a different hit than what one gets in looking at Mr. Hit’s Jon Stewart Presents America (The Book), which is…like what one gets with all PC comedians –who are entertainers first, and citizens lower on the ladder, Humanity’s Child on the lowest rung–, the lowliest dung.

Well-hung Stewart –I have it on good word, that of his agent– will F this world to death with just as much gusto as any of his (Reprehensible) Straw Men targets.  He’s part of a long tradition, a long line of comics who serve up The Real Opiate of the People.

So inured are we all of taking in what’s digging our graves deeper each day (let alone doing much about it) that we settle for a knowing, hearty laugh before bedtime, and a few one-up (ripper) uppers throughout the day.

In fact, the knowledgeable aren’t so with it. They are very dumb about the international scene and/or don’t care.

As Malaysians chop down natural forests unsustainably… to export timber to China… for products slated for the West, including Hollywood, Indonesians earn a few paltry pennies whlst PNGers “offer” their land for a pittance.

Yes, in a decade PNG will be bereft of its natural cover. Whilst Stewart –if he hasn’t had his throat cut by then– will continue to try to cover his ass and his mounting bills. And conscience at the same time…along with the vast majority of my readers and non-readers.

Don’t believe for a minute the PC PR thrust of Jon’s joking riposte to the journalist who made a reference to Letterman’s wealth recently. When asked how he felt about not being a likely candidate for Dave’s replacement we got a disgustingly disingenuous reply:

“Really, who needs all that money?”

Richard Oxman, info@parisgraves.com, welcomes feedback, but NOT DURING the Academy Award presentations, please. Recent, updated work is at www.oxtogrind.org.