Political Humor,

“Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I’m a Comic” Awards
By Will Durst

As you have probably figured out by the alarming lack of hairspray, stretch limousines and $30,000 designer gowns available in your area, awards season is upon us, and while we don’t have any red carpets to roll out we do promise that Joan Rivers will have as much to do with this column as Dick Cheney has to do with the truth.

Yes, its that time of the year again when vast groups of entertainment professionals pat themselves on the back to the point where they run the risk of spraining a delicate wrist or two.

Millions of people ostensibly watch these oozing moody egos toss cast golden plated statuettes at each other in order
to live vicariously through them but we all know its really to ridicule fashion choices.

And here at Worst of Durst Comedy Ltd., having never spied a bandwagon we weren’t willing to jump on, it is giddy with self congratulation that we settle in for the most serious and consequential of all the awards ceremonies: the Will Durst “Thank God For These Liquid Squeezebags Because I’m a Comic” Awards. Set yourself down in a comfortable chair and relax folks. We got your back.

And be assured, not a single Brokeback Mountain joke in the bunch.

•       THE FOR CRUM’S SAKE, COME ON, GIVE HER THE MONEY, SHE SLEPT WITH A 90 YEAR OLD GUY FOR A YEAR AND A HALF AWARD: Anna Nicole Smith.

•       THE IF THEY WERE A HORSE, WE’D HAVE TO SHOOT EM AWARD: The Democratic Party.

•       BEST MAKE UP. Harry Whittington.

•       THE MAKING A BAD SITUATION WORSE AWARD: In a crowded field, New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin.

•       BEST PERFORMANCE BY STRANGE BEDFELLOWS. George Herbert Walker Bush and William Jefferson Clinton.

•       THE CLOCK IS FINALLY WINDING DOWN ON YOUR 15 MINUTES AWARD. Paris Hilton.

•       BEST IMPRESSION OF A SLEEPY LIZARD IN SEARCH OF A WARM ROCK AWARD: Once again, Dick Cheney narrowly edging out Robert Novack and Sam Donaldson.

•       THE WHY WON’T ANYONE RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Scott McClellan.

•       THE UNCLEAR ON ALL THE WORDS IN THEIR NAME AWARD: The Federal Emergency Management Administration.

•       THE LOSING HIS GRIP AWARD: Karl Rove.

•       THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN AMERICA AWARD: For the 6th year in a row, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Steven’s doctor.

•       THE LURKING LIKE A TICKING TIME BOMB AWARD: Patrick Fitzgerald.

•       THE HELL WAS THAT? AWARD: San Francisco slugger and Paula Abdul impersonator, Barry Bonds.

•       THE LET’S SETTLE ALL GLOBAL DISPUTES BY HOLDING HANDS AND SINGING KUMBAYA AWARD: San Francisco Supervisor Gerardo Sandoval for suggesting America doesn’t need a military.

•       THE NOT AS DUMB AS HIS HAIR LOOKS AWARD: It’s a tie! Reverend Al Sharpton and Donald Trump split this honor.

•       MOST LIKEY TO FIND GOD REAL SOON AWARD: Scooter Libby.

•       THE UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT AWARD: Former head of FEMA, Michael Brown, for announcing he’s opening a new Crisis Management Consultancy.

•       MISDIRECTION AWARD: Dick Cheney.

•       THE SHUT MY MOUTH AWARD: Another tie! Pat Robertson and Harriet Miers.

•       THE SELF CONTROL AWARD: To George Bush for visiting India and not asking where all the teepees were.

•       BEST SCORE: Halliburton for not just beating a gouging charge but finagling a bonus out of it. The only prize political comic Will Durst needs is your kind readership. Thank you people. Thank you so so very much. Now where’s my gift bag?

===================

Will Drust  five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny. [experted from Will Drust Bio]

Read Other Columns by Will Drust in This Site

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