THE TERRORISTS FOLLOW US HOME

A lot of trees died in vain as newsprint this week reporting on the time President Bush wasted in a desperate attempt to float a new trial balloon in his tortured six year war against logic, reason, gravity and physics. Apparently he’s in need of a new sack of gas to tie his failed Iraqi war plan to. Due to the fact his most recent verbal bag of helium: “stay the course” has been tossed onto the same discarded pile of shriveled rubber as “dead or alive,” “smoking gun as a mushroom cloud” and “welcomed with flowers and candy.”

He held an hour long press conference in an elastic attempt to sound reasonable and succeeded the same way a rabid flatulent weasel hiding in a half empty Whole Foods spinach fettucine bin does. Trotting out a series of mantras, the President tried appealing to average Americans who recent polls say still retain their admiration for the man for his stick- to-itiveness, though they remain a bit skeptical of his synaptic activity. Much like a man intent on breaking through a brick wall using only his forehead. While you got to admire his persistence you probably don’t want him doing math.

Experimenting with the calibrated residue of Karl Rove’s extensive hot air polling of focus groups, Dubyah introduced the new official buzz phrase of the Iraqi occupation: the word “wrong.” Cutting and running is “wrong.” The Democrats are patriotic but “wrong.” Spandex on NFL linemen. Screw Kappa Napa. Its all just “wrong.” He went on to say if we don’t finish the job in Iraq, the world will see us as quitters and you know what they say about quitters. “Quitters bruise their shins and winners never evacuate and are destined to bloat up like poisoned toads,” or something like that. He wasn’t really clear. As usual.

“There's a lot of people - good, decent people - saying, ‘Withdraw now.’ They're wrong,” Bush said. “There are a lot of people in the Democrat Party who believe that the best course of action is to leave Iraq before the job is done, period. And they're wrong.” Unfortunately he steadfastly refuses to tell us exactly what job he is talking about. I’m thinking it has to do with developing a falafel based oil substitute.

He further explained if we leave, the terrorists will follow us home. And if they follow us home, we’ll have to walk them twice a day and feed them and brush them and they’ll need shots and let me tell you right now, they’re sleeping outside, mister. Oh sure, they’re cute when they’re young, but when terrorists grow up, they’re just like animals. Constantly begging for scraps and whimpering because they’re afraid to be left alone. “Allah is watching.” Chewing shoes. Peeing on their prayer rug.

At the end, he waxed weirdly poetic and at the same time loopy. “Sometimes I’m frustrated. Rarely surprised. Sometimes I’m happy, you know. But war is not a time of joy. These aren’t joyous times. These are challenging times… and they’re straining the psyche of our country.” And as one who’s had my psyche strained, I got to admit, he’s right. “We’re not leaving so long as I’m the President.” Okay Mr President, whatever it takes.

Comic, writer, actor, radio talk show host, social outcast Will Durst is willing to help out the President any way he can.

Catch Durst in radio talk show host mode on Keeping it Real With Will & Willie. Monday through Friday. 7- 10am. PDT. On KQKE. 960 AM. The QUAKE. San Francisco. Or listen long distance @ quakeradio.com.

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Will Drust  five-time Emmy nominee and host/co-producer of the ongoing award winning PBS series "Livelyhood" is also a regular commentator on NPR and CNN, and has appeared on every comedy show featuring a brick wall including Letterman, Comedy Central, HBO and Showtime, receiving 7 consecutive nominations for the American Comedy Awards Stand Up of the Year. Hobbies include the never-ending search for the perfect cheeseburger, while his heroes remain the same from when he was twelve: Thomas Jefferson and Bugs Bunny.

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