By Will Durst

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Who knows why Mitt Romney doesn’t release his old tax records. Maybe he’s stubborn. Nobody likes being told what to do. Could be an incredibly simple explanation like he lost them and is embarrassed. For all we know the accordion file of old returns fell off a shelf in the garage and is buried under a pile of old bikes and unopened anniversary gifts.

Promised to release his 2011 tax records when he files on or around October 15th. Wrong way, Mitt. We don’t care about the five years you’ve been running for president. We want to know what you did before the national spotlights were trained on you. Who are you in the dark? Do you change into tights and a cape? Or is the King of Bain really Bane? You’re so Bane, you probably think this column is about you.
 
Desperate to change the conversation, the presumptive tax dodger slipped out of the country and ran away to the Olympics. Because that’s where the cameras are pointed. And apparently he’s determined to get in front of them in order to make verbal gaffes on subjects other than his taxes. Making people cogitate even furiouser, what nuggets of deliciousness could possibly be lurking unseen?
 
Romney has the best lawyers and accountants money could buy, so probably nothing overtly illegal. Perhaps some solid investments that might pin the red on the dodgy side on the moral- ometer. You know. High stakes Monaco baccarat winnings. Heroin spatulas. Far Eastern white slavery futures. Not here to judge. We’re talking different cultures.
 
Problem is, in a void, one’s imagination naturally runs wild about any Unobtanium. Accordingly, please allow me to wildly offer up a couple of conjectures on possible skeletons buried in the Mitt Romney tax crypts.

• Doesn’t just have a bank account in the Cayman Islands; owns 2 of the three Cayman Islands.
• Tithes 10% of income every year to Scientology.
• Claims 9 kids as dependents.
• Adjusted net worth after taxes is a bazilliondy dollars.
• Collects royalties from Kraft for the copyrighted term “Preppy Dip.”
• Turns out Mitt really IS short for Mittens.
• In 2004, he wrote off $60,000 in Chinese made hair products.
• Currently holds 60% of Greece’s debt.
• Never checks the donation box at the bottom of his 1040.
• Back in the late 80s, his closest business associate was Pablo Escobar.
• Top three charitable donations were to Greenpeace, Planned Parenthood & Code Pink.
• His Swiss bank account number is 666.
• Served 18 months in prison for tax evasion while governor of Massachusetts and nobody noticed. Known in the yard as Shifty.
• Holds the lease on a 120,000 square foot warehouse in Nevada filled to the rafters with sex toys.
• Yearly health care deductions include three pages for nickel- metal- hydride batteries.
• Entire estate has been placed under the control of Rafalca, the Olympic horse.
• Was the brains behind Bernie Madoff.
• Claims Newt Gingrich books- on- tape as therapeutic deductions.
• Has the state of South Dakota placed in his IRA.
• Not only paid no taxes for the years 1990- 2002 but it turns out we owe him $400,000,000.