By Sherwood Ross

For bringing unloaded gun into wiards' locker room
Basketball humor

In a wide-ranging interview, President B. Rack O’Bomber today faulted Washington Wizards guard Gilbert Arenas for bringing an unloaded pistol into his team’s locker room.

A Supreme Court ruling makes it a criminal offense to carry an unloaded weapon in Washington, D.C., but permits the carrying of loaded ones.

“That damn fool, Arenas,” O’Bomber said, “could have avoided the whole problem if only, like so much of the rest of Washington, he had loaded the pistols before he had taken them out of his house. Hasn’t he ever heard of the Supreme Court?” Arenas compounded his woes by later pointing his finger at Wizards teammates in Cleveland and saying, “Bang.”

O’Bomber told interviewer Lawrence Velvel that the basketball players’ union had once defended as “peaceful protest” Golden State Warriors  player  Latrell Sprewell’s attempt to choke his coach P.J. Carlesimo, “but the union will not touch Arenas’ case with a fork because his guns were unloaded.”

“It is far worse to have unloaded guns than to choke your coach,” President O’Bomber said, “since what kind of a protest is it to have unloaded guns? Or to simply get on your knees, point your fingers and say ‘Bang’? Nobody pays attention to that kind of so-called protest.”

“The only kind of protest people understand is the kind we are using in Iraq and Afghanistan, when we are using loaded guns that go bang,” O’Bomber explained. He added, “The CIA, however, completely missed this sure-fire sign that the whole Arenas deal was a put-up job manufactured by the Stern Gang in its battle with the UrGUN for control of American basketball.” (David Stern is Commissioner of the NBA.)

The president revealed the UrGUN has been attempting to take over professional basketball from the Stern Gang as part of its war “to further rot the minds” of the American public, media and politicians. “It is trying to do this by causing them to focus yet again on the inessential and meaningless, this time on the subject of professional basketball, instead of on crucial matters such as whether Kraft will take over Cadbury as part of the infamous Chocolate War.” (U.S.-based Kraft has made a $16 billion hostile takeover bid for the British chocolate-maker.)

The president dismissed Arenas’ defense that he intended to load his weapons for possible use on defense in a forthcoming one-on-one game he had scheduled against Kermit Washington, or was it Ron Artest?
(Washington is best known for landing a devastating on-court blow that fractured the face of player Rudy Tomjanovich; Ron Artest achieved fame by assaulting a fan during a brawl between his L.A. Lakers and the Detroit Pistons.)

“If I have any bone to pick with David Stern,” the president told Velvel, “it is that the punishment of suspension, with a loss in pay of about $147,000 or $148,000 per game, was too light. What Stern should have done instead of suspending Arenas with a loss of pay is to make him play without being paid. Now that would hurt.”
O’Bomber continued, “This is evidenced by the fact that bankers, insurance executives, hedge fund managers and other Wall Street types beloved by Larry Summers, Tim Geithner, Ben Bernanke and Robert Rubin are complaining bitterly that we are making them work without 25 million dollar annual bonuses and 10 million dollar salaries. Stern should have thought of Arenas as simply another Washington/New York-axis financial power player and treated him accordingly. After all, under his contract he was scheduled to make about $111 million in just six years. Even Lloyd Blankfein or Larry Summers wouldn’t necessarily sneeze at that.”

(Summers is head of the White House National Economic Council; Geithner is Treasury Secretary; Rubin is former Treasury Secretary; Blankfein is CEO of Goldman Sachs; and Bernanke is chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve.)